Reflection on Alcoholism

I need to reflect on where I am as compared to where I was..

I wrote this after seeing a video that made me sad that so many of those who risk their lives for our country and the freedom it is supposed to represent end up in a similar place. We don't care. Some of us do, but most people only care once it directly affects them. You don't have to go overseas to suffer from PTSD or to develop alcoholism, but when you add the horrors of living through a war to all of the other life-altering circumstances that people endure, you end up with some really broken people who are hurting on a level that most people can't comprehend. We, as a people, need to change this.

Humanity is one - if one falls, we all fall. If humanity is metaphorically one being, and the world becomes our image of hell, essentially we’re all walking in the flames of that hell that we have collectively created in our minds and then display through society's collective conscious thought (or lack thereof).

I woke up this morning thinking about a dear friend of mine who has been struggling to cope with his experiences while overseas at war. I thought about calling him, but with a 3 hour time difference, it would've been very inconsiderate of me to reach out to him at 4 AM PST. Instead, I pushed the thoughts to the back of my mind for the moment.

That is, until I stumbled upon this video, which made them flood back with such force that my eyes became temporary waterfalls. It isn't that the video itself is emotionally moving; rather, it is the thought of this man having been able to reach such a low point before a group of complete strangers intervened and restored his dignity for a single moment in time.

Alcoholism damn near destroyed my dignity (and life), and it has been a very difficult battle to restore and repair that damage - a battle that I have faced virtually alone. I thank the lucky stars above that I have the few true friends (and awesome family) that I have, because those people literally saved my life. If it wasn't for their love and faith in me when I had none to give myself, I don't think I'd still be here to type this.

I can see how this man's life probably unfolded now.. As is the story with countless other lives, at some point there were people drinking alongside him - friends, coworkers, maybe even family members. The alcohol numbed the pain, and the smiles reflected through the smoke by mirror images of himself seemed to soothe his soul. It didn't matter that the smiles and good times weren't real; all that mattered was that he didn't have to feel the level of hell he felt when he was alone with his thoughts.

Slowly, these people fell to the wayside, one by one, as he ventured further down a path they were hesitant to follow him down. New faces replaced the old ones - new faces that were willing to look the other way more frequently and encourage the very habits that were destroying him. They understood him, so he thought, and he felt comfort in that. One by one, even these people couldn't deny how out of control he was, and their faces were again replaced by new ones.

Now the faces began going back and forth between rough, weathered and hardened faces and those of authority figures. Between jail and homelessness was an unending desire to escape his inner pain. Each day became a drive to obtain the poison that could kill his pain. As the darkness engulfed him and anesthetized his feelings until they were virtually obliterated, he fell deeper and deeper into a hole within himself and got lost somewhere in the lonely, haunted part of his mind's dark forest. It was at this point that if no one reached out to him or pulled him back towards the light, he would sink to levels that most people couldn't comprehend that a sane, rational person could ever reach: homelessness, dumpster diving, etc. But it can happen to anyone.. That, my friends, is alcoholism.

I was in the dark, haunted part of my mind's forest when four friends (along with family from across the country) rallied around me and got me back to the light. It's not to say that others haven't helped along the way at different intersections in time, but those four were consistently there through the worst of it.

Dan - thank you for saving me. Literally and figuratively. I know we don't speak anymore, but I would've died on those tracks if it hadn't been for you. Alison - thank you for being my voice of reason when mine had left me entirely. Your perseverance and dedication to growing and becoming a better person ignited and inspired the drive in me that keeps moving me towards brighter days. Your friendship, understanding and patience have been monumental to my healing process. D - thank you for all of the great conversations, a warm floor to sleep on when I'm in town visiting, unconditional love and teaching me that attitude determines altitude. You have one of the best attitudes I have ever seen towards life, (despite life) and I hope you continue to rise as you have! You've made such tremendous progress, and I am more proud of you than you could ever imagine!! Finally, B - thank you for being my shadow in the shadows, and for pulling me out of the gutter when I was left there for dead. We were both cast aside like old garbage, but we cleaned ourselves up and became brand new!! Thank you for never judging me, and for teaching me that true love starts within me..

I hope those who are lost, or are having difficulty coping with the hurtful, bad things they have experienced in life, are able to heal, grow stronger and find their way back to solid ground before digging themselves deeper into their own personal hell. My friends, please know that no matter how bad things get, you are not alone and things will get better! These struggles in life are what make us (or break us), and each outcome is the result of a single choice..

=)

An open letter to those burdened by the weight of the world..

Dignity is what sustains us when all else has been lost. Self-respect and a sense of self-worth, the innermost armament of the soul, lies at the heart of humanness; to be deprived of it is to be dehumanized, to be cast below mankind.

Men suffering from a lack of dignity experience profound loneliness and find that hope is almost impossible to retain. Without dignity, identity is erased. In its absence, men are defined not by themselves, but by the circumstances in which they are forced to live. The stubborn retention of dignity, even in the face of extreme hardship, can hold a man's soul in his body long past the point at which the body should have surrendered it. The loss of it can carry a man off as surely as thirst, hunger, exposure and asphyxiation, and with greater cruelty. It is as lethal as a well-aimed bullet.

Define yourself, not by the habits which are slowly erasing what dignity you have left or the circumstances which lend to the numbness in your soul, but by the things which return to you a sense of self-worth and self-respect. Step outside of yourself and honestly see who and what you've become. All that numbness and cold in your soul - that is the absence of dignity. You'll never heal until you understand this..

Note: The majority of this blurb was taken indirectly from Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand, which is an exceptional book that will inspire and uplift the heaviest of spirits!!