Where to go from here?

I started this blog two years ago, and as quickly as I started it, I lost focus and forgot about it. Life can't go on like that forever!

I am on a mission to use this blog as a way to log the progress and growth that I am able to achieve as I make it a daily choice to overcome addiction. I first made it a choice to live differently two years ago; that single choice completely redefined my life..

It's not that once you stop using substances, people or things to fill a void, it is magically filled. In all reality, stopping the addictive behaviour does nothing to fill the void. In some ways, it makes it feel bigger. All of the pain and poison from the past gets a foothold when you stop using, and the feelings can become overwhelming. I guess this is why many people utilize support groups to help them get through the darkness they feel. I, personally, did not utilize them, but I know many people who have to their benefit. It's really a personal choice that only an individual can make for themselves. Step 1 of recovery: learning to know (and love) YOU for who you are, which will allow you to set realistic expectations for yourself.

I know myself pretty well. I'm not a bad person, although I'm not perfect. I recently graduated with a second degree, which allowed me to stretch out my college years to the ripe age of 34. I wish I could boast about having completed my PhD, MD or something along those lines, but no. The truth is, I just got my second BS, and have literally no idea where to go from here.

Options? Oh yeah.. Tons of them! So many are lined up outside of my door that I had to bolt it shut to keep them from attacking me.. Although those could just as easily be the student loan debt collectors trying to recoup the $120K I wasted on two BS degrees. I imagine they went to my office first, assuming they would be able to take the money remaining after the government takes their "fair share" of my income, but unfortunately for them, I haven't been there in months. In fact, you couldn't pay me to go back. Ulcers, depression and anxiety aren't worth $20 an hour. Especially not when so much of my income goes to pay for the insurance plan necessary to treat such conditions.. Then, student loan repayments take the rest of what's left after taxes!

Nope. Traded in the desk job to finish my schooling, and now that I am done with school, I fear settling for another job that causes me anxiety attacks every single morning that I know I have to get up and go there. It was the worst feeling I have ever felt in my life, and was the driving force behind returning to school. They were nice enough to introduce me to what I am good at, as well as what I would like to do with all of my education and experience, but I am not sure I could ever endure the mindless politics and resulting inefficiencies that come along with them ever again.

"But you will have to deal with that at ANY job you find!!" said about a million people, namely my mom and best friend. I know!! I've had enough jobs in my life to understand this, but at the same time, I've had enough jobs to know the difference between one worth holding on to and one worth letting go of. Just like in a relationship, there is a huge difference between giving up and walking away. You walk away from the ones that aren't right for you. But you have to know yourself first before you can really know what is right for you.

Having this last job was like being placed in front of a mirror that allowed me to see myself for who I was after a lifetime of seeing my reflection from smoke-covered mirrors. I saw, for what felt like the first time, my strengths, weaknesses, shortcomings, etc.

Seeing that who I was and who I wanted to be weren't always in line with each other, I decided to take action and change that. "How did you manage to do that.. just stop in your tracks, change course and keep moving?!?" you might ask.. Well, to be completely honest, it wasn't easy. It meant coming to grips with the fact that I am not as awesome as I thought I was, and then subsequently reshaping myself to be the type of person I really want to be. It takes time, as well as surrounding yourself with the right people, places and things. Those three things can make or break a person.

In the end, you know you have done the right thing when you feel a sense of relief; a feeling like weights are being lifted off of your shoulders. Honestly, that is what I feel each and every day that I know I don't have to go back to there - to a depressing job, a bottle on a shelf, a lie in myself. Life is too short to waste it doing something that doesn't help you grow as an individual..