Hi. It's been a while since I posted anything, which is fine, because nobody but me reads this. =D I need a safe place to vent, where people's frail feelings won't get hurt by what I feel to be truth. I acknowledge that my truth regarding life is just that - my truth. But it's how I feel, and I want to express it. So I will.
I have a Facebook account, as so many people do, and while I sometimes go for weeks without logging on, I sometimes waste hours scrolling through my newsfeed wasting my time. I realize I do this mainly when I am bored, or when there is something that needs to be done that I don't particularly feel like doing. The problem with turning to Facebook when I am in that kind of mental state is that I get distracted. Sometimes by the good, happy, uplifting stuff. Other times by the unpleasant, irritating and infuriating stuff. Today I fell victim to the latter.
It started like this: A friend made a simple comment about sex addiction, asking if it was a real thing or an excuse to just have sex with a bunch of people. Fair enough.. It's a legitimate question, especially from someone who has never dealt with the dysfunction of addiction.
Here's the problem: I commented about addiction and how regardless of what it is that you are addicted to, it stems from stuff that is happening in your brain, not just the substance itself. Sex addiction is a person being addicted to the hormones and neurotransmitters released during sex. Even if they are single, this can have a devastating effect on their personal life. They may seek intimacy, but have no way of attaining it until they address what's going on to fuel their uncheckable drive. You have little control over how your brain is wired, but you can learn to control your response to what your brain is asking you to do that is self-destructive. The key is that you have to want to do and be better. No one else can do that for you, and no one else can do the leg work to get you to a better place in your life.
The response I got from a woman whom he is friends with was so typical of responses to ANYTHING these days - heartless, cold, indifferent, and cruel. I am so sick of opinionated individuals who care more about being on their high horse than the people's feelings and self-worth they are trampling on without any care or concern. Apparently, addicts lack self-control, are weak minded and are unacceptable. Just let that sink in. A following comment implied alcoholics and drug addicts were less damaging to society because they only hurt themselves. Let that sink in too.
Now, I know we are all entitled to our own opinions, and if thinking like this is what protects her from the pitfalls and bad people in life, then more power to her. But this is why it bothers me: Addicts, all of them, hurt every person whose lives touch their own in some way or another (just like non-addicts do), but what is really sad is that the person they are hurting the most is themselves. It's a spiral of self-loathing manifested into a reality where it gets reflected back to them. They hate themselves, they go out and do what they can to forget about the pain, hurt, fear, stress, failures and disappointments, but when they do that, they only add to it. It's like sweeping the dirt on your floor under a rug. Every day. For a lifetime. It really doesn't take long for everyone to see that there is a mound of dirt with a rug on top of it, and by the time someone says "Hey, you might want to sweep all of that dirt out of the house so that the rug can touch the floor again," it's too late. It's already almost at the ceiling, and the amount of work it would take to clear all of that dirt out seems too overwhelming. So they keep adding dirt to the pile until it becomes unstable and falls on top of them, usually snuffing their life out or coming close to it. The ones who survive are the ones who show up to AA or NA of their own accord. Or the ones who go to the library and check out books on addiction and try to find answers as well as suggestions for solutions. Or the ones who understand how much they have to lose, and do whatever it takes to get better. I am one of those addicts.
I have never been big on meetings, mainly because most people in them were court-ordered to be there, and as such, had minimal desire to actually implement the steps to recovery that are taught within the NA/AA programs. Plus, I have a difficult time filtering out all of the background movement and chatter that goes on while people are trying to speak. I end up leaving irritated, and much of the message of the meeting gets lost in my sour feelings.
Instead, I relied heavily on books that focused on healing from dysfunctional relationships, taught self-awareness and aided my cultivation of self-love, patience and forgiveness. I'm still working on all of those things, although it's been over three years since I have had a drink. My pile was high, but I committed to taking as much out as I could in small buckets every day, and now my rug is almost touching the floor again. Almost.. :)
The point of this rant is that the environment needed to cultivate and sustain healthy growth is often absent from online platforms such as Facebook. It's there, jumbled and mixed in with a bunch of rubbish that can stunt your growth and hinder your development. The positive stuff is like the little rug on top of a mountain of crap. If you scroll long enough, that crap can topple onto your mind frame and cripple it, much like the pile of dirt in your living room of life can.
Let's say you grew up in a dysfunctional household where your father is an alcoholic and your mother is codependent. The skills needed to relate to others in a healthy way, especially within the context of a relationship, are going to be lacking at best. Why? Because you grew up watching dysfunction, so even if you know it is wrong, it is all you know.
This doesn't mean that you have to repeat that cycle; quite the opposite, it empowers you to learn a better way so that you can be the one to break it. But breaking that cycle depends on a few key things. First, you have to be aware that there is a problem. Second, you have to be willing to face your role in the problem. Third, you have to be willing to change and do whatever it takes, every single day, to be the best person you can be despite the problem. Finally, you have to be strong enough to take one more step when the storms of life try to stop you in your tracks.
I bring up dysfunctional upbringing, because most addicts experienced a high degree of dysfunction growing up. In order to understand addiction, you must also learn to understand it's roots, and it is deeply rooted in dysfunction. When you don't learn how to deal with life in a healthy way, the confusion and chaos of it all can become very overwhelming. Most of us have felt that way at times, but most of us have brains that can respond to the pitfalls and disappointments of life in a logical way. In addiction, as well as many other psychological disturbances such as depression, this logical knowledge means nothing. Logic told me that it would be better to not take 30 shots in one night, yet I chose to do so anyways. And then I would beat myself up the next day for having done so, and then again for going to the liquor store to get another bottle to battle the shit feeling I was coping with.
When you are able to defy your own logic, and you understand that your perspective and choices are adding to the problem but you can't, for the life of you, make better choices - you are suffering from addiction. It's a label though, and since some people hide behind them, others start to accuse those who muster the courage to put it on themselves as making excuses. It could be that they are just coming to accept that they have a problem that is bigger than they can overcome by themselves, and now you tell them that they are weak, selfish, horrible people, and you expect that to make them want to get better??!?? Unbelievable. Judgement is what led to the problem, and adding to it only makes it worse. You also see this type of "blame the victim" mentality against those stuck in poverty, battling depression, and for so many other afflictions. Having been depressed at least a few times in my life, I can remember several people who chose to blame me for not having enough strength of mind and character to be grateful for the good in my life rather than acknowledging that something fundamentally deeper than a lack of gratitude was at play. "It's all in your mind!" they would say, and interestingly enough, they weren't lying. But just because it's all in your mind doesn't make it any easier to overcome. Honesty, compassion, understanding and listening intently and without a desire to solve the person's problems is what it takes to help people heal. I was lucky enough to have a couple of really good friends who were willing to do just that for and with me. They have absolutely no idea how thankful I am for the time and ears that they shared with me during those difficult periods of time.
It sucks that so few people out here actually give enough of a shit to want to help people by doing something as simple as not saying anything at all if they don't have anything nice to say. These same people expect people to be understanding and accepting of them, but refuse to give it in return? EFF THAT!!! That's what's wrong with this world. If you have a problem, it's my problem, but if I have a problem, then it's my problem and mine alone. That's fucked up, and it's no wonder civilization is going to shit in a hand basket.
For those of you who are struggling to overcome the difficulties in life, no matter what they may be, please know that each step we take, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem, is a spark of defiance in the face of hopelessness. Broken people need hope more than anything else, and the smallest of steps represents the very hope that is needed. Once we see that it is our very own steps that provide us with what it is that we need, we can finally start to heal, because we won't look for what we need in the wrong places anymore. Those small steps you are taking are what will keep the world spinning so that a bright new day can replace the long, dark night. No matter how hard it gets, keep going.
I have a Facebook account, as so many people do, and while I sometimes go for weeks without logging on, I sometimes waste hours scrolling through my newsfeed wasting my time. I realize I do this mainly when I am bored, or when there is something that needs to be done that I don't particularly feel like doing. The problem with turning to Facebook when I am in that kind of mental state is that I get distracted. Sometimes by the good, happy, uplifting stuff. Other times by the unpleasant, irritating and infuriating stuff. Today I fell victim to the latter.
It started like this: A friend made a simple comment about sex addiction, asking if it was a real thing or an excuse to just have sex with a bunch of people. Fair enough.. It's a legitimate question, especially from someone who has never dealt with the dysfunction of addiction.
Here's the problem: I commented about addiction and how regardless of what it is that you are addicted to, it stems from stuff that is happening in your brain, not just the substance itself. Sex addiction is a person being addicted to the hormones and neurotransmitters released during sex. Even if they are single, this can have a devastating effect on their personal life. They may seek intimacy, but have no way of attaining it until they address what's going on to fuel their uncheckable drive. You have little control over how your brain is wired, but you can learn to control your response to what your brain is asking you to do that is self-destructive. The key is that you have to want to do and be better. No one else can do that for you, and no one else can do the leg work to get you to a better place in your life.
The response I got from a woman whom he is friends with was so typical of responses to ANYTHING these days - heartless, cold, indifferent, and cruel. I am so sick of opinionated individuals who care more about being on their high horse than the people's feelings and self-worth they are trampling on without any care or concern. Apparently, addicts lack self-control, are weak minded and are unacceptable. Just let that sink in. A following comment implied alcoholics and drug addicts were less damaging to society because they only hurt themselves. Let that sink in too.
Now, I know we are all entitled to our own opinions, and if thinking like this is what protects her from the pitfalls and bad people in life, then more power to her. But this is why it bothers me: Addicts, all of them, hurt every person whose lives touch their own in some way or another (just like non-addicts do), but what is really sad is that the person they are hurting the most is themselves. It's a spiral of self-loathing manifested into a reality where it gets reflected back to them. They hate themselves, they go out and do what they can to forget about the pain, hurt, fear, stress, failures and disappointments, but when they do that, they only add to it. It's like sweeping the dirt on your floor under a rug. Every day. For a lifetime. It really doesn't take long for everyone to see that there is a mound of dirt with a rug on top of it, and by the time someone says "Hey, you might want to sweep all of that dirt out of the house so that the rug can touch the floor again," it's too late. It's already almost at the ceiling, and the amount of work it would take to clear all of that dirt out seems too overwhelming. So they keep adding dirt to the pile until it becomes unstable and falls on top of them, usually snuffing their life out or coming close to it. The ones who survive are the ones who show up to AA or NA of their own accord. Or the ones who go to the library and check out books on addiction and try to find answers as well as suggestions for solutions. Or the ones who understand how much they have to lose, and do whatever it takes to get better. I am one of those addicts.
I have never been big on meetings, mainly because most people in them were court-ordered to be there, and as such, had minimal desire to actually implement the steps to recovery that are taught within the NA/AA programs. Plus, I have a difficult time filtering out all of the background movement and chatter that goes on while people are trying to speak. I end up leaving irritated, and much of the message of the meeting gets lost in my sour feelings.
Instead, I relied heavily on books that focused on healing from dysfunctional relationships, taught self-awareness and aided my cultivation of self-love, patience and forgiveness. I'm still working on all of those things, although it's been over three years since I have had a drink. My pile was high, but I committed to taking as much out as I could in small buckets every day, and now my rug is almost touching the floor again. Almost.. :)
The point of this rant is that the environment needed to cultivate and sustain healthy growth is often absent from online platforms such as Facebook. It's there, jumbled and mixed in with a bunch of rubbish that can stunt your growth and hinder your development. The positive stuff is like the little rug on top of a mountain of crap. If you scroll long enough, that crap can topple onto your mind frame and cripple it, much like the pile of dirt in your living room of life can.
Let's say you grew up in a dysfunctional household where your father is an alcoholic and your mother is codependent. The skills needed to relate to others in a healthy way, especially within the context of a relationship, are going to be lacking at best. Why? Because you grew up watching dysfunction, so even if you know it is wrong, it is all you know.
This doesn't mean that you have to repeat that cycle; quite the opposite, it empowers you to learn a better way so that you can be the one to break it. But breaking that cycle depends on a few key things. First, you have to be aware that there is a problem. Second, you have to be willing to face your role in the problem. Third, you have to be willing to change and do whatever it takes, every single day, to be the best person you can be despite the problem. Finally, you have to be strong enough to take one more step when the storms of life try to stop you in your tracks.
I bring up dysfunctional upbringing, because most addicts experienced a high degree of dysfunction growing up. In order to understand addiction, you must also learn to understand it's roots, and it is deeply rooted in dysfunction. When you don't learn how to deal with life in a healthy way, the confusion and chaos of it all can become very overwhelming. Most of us have felt that way at times, but most of us have brains that can respond to the pitfalls and disappointments of life in a logical way. In addiction, as well as many other psychological disturbances such as depression, this logical knowledge means nothing. Logic told me that it would be better to not take 30 shots in one night, yet I chose to do so anyways. And then I would beat myself up the next day for having done so, and then again for going to the liquor store to get another bottle to battle the shit feeling I was coping with.
When you are able to defy your own logic, and you understand that your perspective and choices are adding to the problem but you can't, for the life of you, make better choices - you are suffering from addiction. It's a label though, and since some people hide behind them, others start to accuse those who muster the courage to put it on themselves as making excuses. It could be that they are just coming to accept that they have a problem that is bigger than they can overcome by themselves, and now you tell them that they are weak, selfish, horrible people, and you expect that to make them want to get better??!?? Unbelievable. Judgement is what led to the problem, and adding to it only makes it worse. You also see this type of "blame the victim" mentality against those stuck in poverty, battling depression, and for so many other afflictions. Having been depressed at least a few times in my life, I can remember several people who chose to blame me for not having enough strength of mind and character to be grateful for the good in my life rather than acknowledging that something fundamentally deeper than a lack of gratitude was at play. "It's all in your mind!" they would say, and interestingly enough, they weren't lying. But just because it's all in your mind doesn't make it any easier to overcome. Honesty, compassion, understanding and listening intently and without a desire to solve the person's problems is what it takes to help people heal. I was lucky enough to have a couple of really good friends who were willing to do just that for and with me. They have absolutely no idea how thankful I am for the time and ears that they shared with me during those difficult periods of time.
It sucks that so few people out here actually give enough of a shit to want to help people by doing something as simple as not saying anything at all if they don't have anything nice to say. These same people expect people to be understanding and accepting of them, but refuse to give it in return? EFF THAT!!! That's what's wrong with this world. If you have a problem, it's my problem, but if I have a problem, then it's my problem and mine alone. That's fucked up, and it's no wonder civilization is going to shit in a hand basket.
For those of you who are struggling to overcome the difficulties in life, no matter what they may be, please know that each step we take, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem, is a spark of defiance in the face of hopelessness. Broken people need hope more than anything else, and the smallest of steps represents the very hope that is needed. Once we see that it is our very own steps that provide us with what it is that we need, we can finally start to heal, because we won't look for what we need in the wrong places anymore. Those small steps you are taking are what will keep the world spinning so that a bright new day can replace the long, dark night. No matter how hard it gets, keep going.
I lost a dear friend of mine recently, and as I stood by her side, holding her hand and all of the tubes coming out of it gently in mine, she took her last breath after a very difficult, year-long fight against a very aggressive form of cancer. I looked out of the window that was just beyond her bed in the ICU to watch the sun sink slowly behind the city. The buildings seemed to absorb, magnify and reflect the kaleidoscope of colors simultaneously while the clouds developed a thin layer of gold along the bottom of them. It was stunning!
The beauty of the sunset was the perfect juxtaposition to the sadness I felt at that moment. Through my tears, I could see the light beams making a trail for my friend to follow as her soul slipped away to join them on their journey to eternity. For a split second, the tears falling from my eyes caught the light in just the right way so as to make a rainbow. Maybe only my eyes saw it, but there was a rainbow that seemed to connect my friend to the sunset beyond.
Even in times of great despair, there is greater beauty still. We just have to keep our eyes and hearts open to experience it. Only in fear and hopelessness do we succumb to the darkness of this world and lose sight of the beauty that remains.
Keep sight of the beauty that still exists despite the chaos!! =)