Change of Pace

Feeling overwhelmed can cloud the mind from seeing life's bigger picture. It is easy to feel overwhelmed when you are crammed in a city with a million other people. You are constantly interacting with a wide spectrum of individuals for a variety of reasons, and not all of these interactions are pleasant.

So where do you go when you want to get away from it all for a while and clear your mind? This is where I go to recharge and revive myself when that happens. I can get away from the hustle and bustle of city life and be "alone". Here, I can clear and focus my mind, since the honks, angry exchanges and other sounds the city makes as it rushes through it's daily routine are drowned out by the perpetual gushing of water flowing past hurriedly on an endless journey downstream. Amazingly enough, it is only about 10 minutes away from the dizzying madness of the city.


After walking through the woods and absorbing the scent of the honeysuckle-laden air, I get to the river's edge and take a deep breath as I look around. I can see the perfection in the imperfections around me: like in the way the birds and bugs coexist in the corpse of a tree that still stands, providing food and shelter for them even in death; or the way the river is calm today but the exact opposite when it is flooded and destroying everything in it's path; or how the annoying gnats flying around my head like a bunch of winged electrons in orbit provide food for many others, who in turn provide food for yet others. Despite how annoying they are to me, they are a vital source of sustenance to others. In the end, the cycle of life is neither good nor bad, positive nor negative; rather, it simply is what it is.

I think about the magnitude of that statement as I look at a slow part of the river where the water has created several small pools alongside a slow and wide bend. I can see my reflection in one of them, and observe the cautious face looking back at me with what remains of a smile after years of struggle, heartache and disappointment. But behind the weathered eyes of a life that has been lived beyond reason is a bright twinkle. That twinkle represents a spark of hope that is still alive deep within me despite this seemingly hopeless situation. I'm lucky to have that, because without hope, I'd have nothing.

One of these days, I will walk to this favorite spot of mine along the river James and will find that my smile has come back to life, having broken free from the stone-cold grip that reality has had on me for too long now. I'll fight for that day, one step, project and lesson at a time, with all of my strength and hope. After all, we must be the change we want to see in life, and to be completely honest, I absolutely can't live another day like this..

Hold on.. It's going to be alright in the end =)

Sometimes I get hung up on how lonely and stuck between a rock and a hard place I feel, and I end up wasting precious time and energy fighting an uphill battle with the recurring depression that I have not been able to shake since childhood.


Don't get me wrong: we all have the power to overcome even the most difficult of circumstances.



"But that's easier said than done!!" you say..
 
You are absolutely right. It is. It takes holding on in the face of adversity to achieve that, which is anything but easy to do when adversity is in your face, relentlessly staring you down.

I mean, you can tell a person hanging on to the edge of the cliff to "Just keep hanging on! Hopefully someone that can help you will arrive in time!!", but that encouragement doesn't make the reality of doing so any easier for them. Yet, the consequences of letting go are so severe that letting go is not an option for the cliff dangler. Adrenaline kicks in to fuel the hard work needed to oppose gravity from that height, which keeps those fingers griping the edge of the ground with the strength of their life.

It's easy to hold on when your life is at stake, but what about when your life is at stake in a way that isn't as readily apparent as hanging from the side of a cliff? What about when the cliff is in your mind?


A friend of mine struggled with addiction for years, and although he seemed to have been winning the battle, he ended up losing it permanently almost a year ago. He should have held on and kept working at pulling himself up onto solid ground, but for whatever reason, he didn't.


A bunch of unexpected, adverse and overwhelming life circumstances happened in a very short time frame (the trigger), which likely led to his decision to move in with "friends" whose lives were still intertwined with the lifestyle he was trying to leave behind. Now to be fair, these "friends" didn't force him to relapse, but they also didn't help him abstain either. With the first drink they offered him, he began letting go, one finger at a time, until the last finger keeping him attached to the edge of his mind's cliff lost its grip for good.

His friends found him early one Sunday morning in late May of last year, frozen in his lifeless state with a look on his face that makes me cry to think he couldn't even find peace in death. He died of a heroin overdose, and though he had been clean for 5 years before moving in with his "friends", he did not understand the importance of people, places and things in our lives. The people that we choose to surround ourselves with, the places that we go in our free time and the things that we do with our time all have the ability to either help lift us up or pull us down. I'm sorry you had to learn such a permanent lesson. Rip Danny. :(

I may not be struggling with heroin addiction, but I can empathize deeply with the demons my friend was battling within himself. It is not easy to overcome something as powerful as addiction, and it is even more difficult when you can't escape from the darkness that plagues your own mind long after the drugs have left your system. I don't want to end up like him. I don't want to cheat myself out of a future, and the reality is, you can waste it just as easily without ever doing drugs. I can sit here in a hole within myself and let my inner light escape from my soul one ray at a time, but if I do that, then this journey will have been in vain. Just like his was.  

This world seems to be falling apart, just like the lives of so many I know, but we must never forget that it is part of a larger cycle, within an infinitely bigger picture. This, too, shall pass, and when it does, new growth will follow.

Things get broken down in order to build up new things. We see it in muscle formation as much as we do in forest fires. We even see it in people. Not everyone who walks the path of addiction succumbs to it; some of us are able to find the strength within ourselves to get the help that we need in order to overcome our demons and grow stronger as a result of it all. Yet, not everyone can, and not everyone wants to, overcome their disease of addiction. Some people seem to find happiness rotting in the self-inflicted decay of their own ruins. Or maybe they are in too much pain to realize what it is that they are doing to themselves  

One thing that I know for certain is that we are not defined by our past sins, but rather, by our commitment to change. We aren't the people we once were when we decide to be someone else and live that decision; it all boils down to a choice. 


Ask yourself: What do I choose for myself? Pain and darkness? Or light and healing? Because at the end of the day, only you can make that happen for yourself. No one can fix you but you. So what will it be?

One love

Hope

Our people as a whole have lost their way in these divided states of America, and the true cost of this loss is one that far exceeds the multitrillion dollar estimates we hear from the propagandists.. er.. media daily.

The true cost, if opportunity cost alone is accounted for, exceeds any number that an average person can fathom. You get an idea of the true cost of what we have lost as a people when you see hurt, fear and disconnect in the eyes of so many people around you - people who have no family to protect them, no system to support them, and no knowledge of any better way. Yet it doesn't have to be like this. We have traded in our opportunity for oppression, freedom for fear and liberty for restraint. These are sad days indeed..

Yet, this is not the first time in history that something like this has happened to a wealthy and powerful nation. The first stage of interminable decline of any great nation is a turning inward and increasing of tax burdens. Greece, Rome, China, Spain, Great Britain.... All have their place and story in the history books, and there are many others that could be included for similar reasons.

So why label this post hope? I did so, because despite how hopeless this situation seems, hope is alive and well, and will continue to flourish even if the unthinkable happens to this great nation and it falls. Humans are amazingly resilient, and I have no doubt that those who have a drive to survive will find a way to do so, even if we experience a major collapse.

Those who don't, or who are incapable, may not be as fortunate. A person can't live off of hope alone after all. There are real needs that people really need: food and water are the most obvious, but love and a genuine connection with others are just as important, although commonly overlooked.

We need a leader who understands how valuable our individual freedoms are, who is committed to protecting them, and is willing to face the Goliath that our government has become in order to successfully lead the sheeple back to safer grounds and protect them from the wolves waiting in plain view to feast on them.

Otherwise, the wolves will have their fill of those too blind to see the imminent danger they are in, and will leave the sheeple with nothing but death, destruction and total devastation in return. Not exactly a happy ending..

I hope this is not the change the sheeple of this great nation were hoping for when they elected the wolves currently in power that are leading us to our slaughter.  I hope for better days, and hope the people realize that they have to become the heroes we seek in the healing of this fractured nation..

Where to go from here?

I started this blog two years ago, and as quickly as I started it, I lost focus and forgot about it. Life can't go on like that forever!

I am on a mission to use this blog as a way to log the progress and growth that I am able to achieve as I make it a daily choice to overcome addiction. I first made it a choice to live differently two years ago; that single choice completely redefined my life..

It's not that once you stop using substances, people or things to fill a void, it is magically filled. In all reality, stopping the addictive behaviour does nothing to fill the void. In some ways, it makes it feel bigger. All of the pain and poison from the past gets a foothold when you stop using, and the feelings can become overwhelming. I guess this is why many people utilize support groups to help them get through the darkness they feel. I, personally, did not utilize them, but I know many people who have to their benefit. It's really a personal choice that only an individual can make for themselves. Step 1 of recovery: learning to know (and love) YOU for who you are, which will allow you to set realistic expectations for yourself.

I know myself pretty well. I'm not a bad person, although I'm not perfect. I recently graduated with a second degree, which allowed me to stretch out my college years to the ripe age of 34. I wish I could boast about having completed my PhD, MD or something along those lines, but no. The truth is, I just got my second BS, and have literally no idea where to go from here.

Options? Oh yeah.. Tons of them! So many are lined up outside of my door that I had to bolt it shut to keep them from attacking me.. Although those could just as easily be the student loan debt collectors trying to recoup the $120K I wasted on two BS degrees. I imagine they went to my office first, assuming they would be able to take the money remaining after the government takes their "fair share" of my income, but unfortunately for them, I haven't been there in months. In fact, you couldn't pay me to go back. Ulcers, depression and anxiety aren't worth $20 an hour. Especially not when so much of my income goes to pay for the insurance plan necessary to treat such conditions.. Then, student loan repayments take the rest of what's left after taxes!

Nope. Traded in the desk job to finish my schooling, and now that I am done with school, I fear settling for another job that causes me anxiety attacks every single morning that I know I have to get up and go there. It was the worst feeling I have ever felt in my life, and was the driving force behind returning to school. They were nice enough to introduce me to what I am good at, as well as what I would like to do with all of my education and experience, but I am not sure I could ever endure the mindless politics and resulting inefficiencies that come along with them ever again.

"But you will have to deal with that at ANY job you find!!" said about a million people, namely my mom and best friend. I know!! I've had enough jobs in my life to understand this, but at the same time, I've had enough jobs to know the difference between one worth holding on to and one worth letting go of. Just like in a relationship, there is a huge difference between giving up and walking away. You walk away from the ones that aren't right for you. But you have to know yourself first before you can really know what is right for you.

Having this last job was like being placed in front of a mirror that allowed me to see myself for who I was after a lifetime of seeing my reflection from smoke-covered mirrors. I saw, for what felt like the first time, my strengths, weaknesses, shortcomings, etc.

Seeing that who I was and who I wanted to be weren't always in line with each other, I decided to take action and change that. "How did you manage to do that.. just stop in your tracks, change course and keep moving?!?" you might ask.. Well, to be completely honest, it wasn't easy. It meant coming to grips with the fact that I am not as awesome as I thought I was, and then subsequently reshaping myself to be the type of person I really want to be. It takes time, as well as surrounding yourself with the right people, places and things. Those three things can make or break a person.

In the end, you know you have done the right thing when you feel a sense of relief; a feeling like weights are being lifted off of your shoulders. Honestly, that is what I feel each and every day that I know I don't have to go back to there - to a depressing job, a bottle on a shelf, a lie in myself. Life is too short to waste it doing something that doesn't help you grow as an individual..