Social Media Madness

Hi. It's been a while since I posted anything, which is fine, because nobody but me reads this. =D I need a safe place to vent, where people's frail feelings won't get hurt by what I feel to be truth. I acknowledge that my truth regarding life is just that - my truth. But it's how I feel, and I want to express it. So I will.

I have a Facebook account, as so many people do, and while I sometimes go for weeks without logging on, I sometimes waste hours scrolling through my newsfeed wasting my time. I realize I do this mainly when I am bored, or when there is something that needs to be done that I don't particularly feel like doing. The problem with turning to Facebook when I am in that kind of mental state is that I get distracted. Sometimes by the good, happy, uplifting stuff. Other times by the unpleasant, irritating and infuriating stuff. Today I fell victim to the latter.

It started like this: A friend made a simple comment about sex addiction, asking if it was a real thing or an excuse to just have sex with a bunch of people. Fair enough..  It's a legitimate question, especially from someone who has never dealt with the dysfunction of addiction.

Here's the problem: I commented about addiction and how regardless of what it is that you are addicted to, it stems from stuff that is happening in your brain, not just the substance itself. Sex addiction is a person being addicted to the hormones and neurotransmitters released during sex. Even if they are single, this can have a devastating effect on their personal life. They may seek intimacy, but have no way of attaining it until they address what's going on to fuel their uncheckable drive. You have little control over how your brain is wired, but you can learn to control your response to what your brain is asking you to do that is self-destructive. The key is that you have to want to do and be better. No one else can do that for you, and no one else can do the leg work to get you to a better place in your life.

The response I got from a woman whom he is friends with was so typical of responses to ANYTHING these days - heartless, cold, indifferent, and cruel. I am so sick of opinionated individuals who care more about being on their high horse than the people's feelings and self-worth they are trampling on without any care or concern. Apparently, addicts lack self-control, are weak minded and are unacceptable. Just let that sink in. A following comment implied alcoholics and drug addicts were less damaging to society because they only hurt themselves. Let that sink in too.

Now, I know we are all entitled to our own opinions, and if thinking like this is what protects her from the pitfalls and bad people in life, then more power to her. But this is why it bothers me: Addicts, all of them, hurt every person whose lives touch their own in some way or another (just like non-addicts do), but what is really sad is that the person they are hurting the most is themselves. It's a spiral of self-loathing manifested into a reality where it gets reflected back to them. They hate themselves, they go out and do what they can to forget about the pain, hurt, fear, stress, failures and disappointments, but when they do that, they only add to it. It's like sweeping the dirt on your floor under a rug. Every day. For a lifetime. It really doesn't take long for everyone to see that there is a mound of dirt with a rug on top of it, and by the time someone says "Hey, you might want to sweep all of that dirt out of the house so that the rug can touch the floor again," it's too late. It's already almost at the ceiling, and the amount of work it would take to clear all of that dirt out seems too overwhelming. So they keep adding dirt to the pile until it becomes unstable and falls on top of them, usually snuffing their life out or coming close to it. The ones who survive are the ones who show up to AA or NA of their own accord. Or the ones who go to the library and check out books on addiction and try to find answers as well as suggestions for solutions. Or the ones who understand how much they have to lose, and do whatever it takes to get better. I am one of those addicts.

I have never been big on meetings, mainly because most people in them were court-ordered to be there, and as such, had minimal desire to actually implement the steps to recovery that are taught within the NA/AA programs. Plus, I have a difficult time filtering out all of the background movement and chatter that goes on while people are trying to speak. I end up leaving irritated, and much of the message of the meeting gets lost in my sour feelings.

Instead, I relied heavily on books that focused on healing from dysfunctional relationships, taught self-awareness and aided my cultivation of self-love, patience and forgiveness. I'm still working on all of those things, although it's been over three years since I have had a drink. My pile was high, but I committed to taking as much out as I could in small buckets every day, and now my rug is almost touching the floor again. Almost.. :)

The point of this rant is that the environment needed to cultivate and sustain healthy growth is often absent from online platforms such as Facebook. It's there, jumbled and mixed in with a bunch of rubbish that can stunt your growth and hinder your development. The positive stuff is like the little rug on top of a mountain of crap. If you scroll long enough, that crap can topple onto your mind frame and cripple it, much like the pile of dirt in your living room of life can.

Let's say you grew up in a dysfunctional household where your father is an alcoholic and your mother is codependent. The skills needed to relate to others in a healthy way, especially within the context of a relationship, are going to be lacking at best. Why? Because you grew up watching dysfunction, so even if you know it is wrong, it is all you know.

This doesn't mean that you have to repeat that cycle; quite the opposite, it empowers you to learn a better way so that you can be the one to break it. But breaking that cycle depends on a few key things. First, you have to be aware that there is a problem. Second, you have to be willing to face your role in the problem. Third, you have to be willing to change and do whatever it takes, every single day, to be the best person you can be despite the problem. Finally, you have to be strong enough to take one more step when the storms of life try to stop you in your tracks.

I bring up dysfunctional upbringing, because most addicts experienced a high degree of dysfunction growing up. In order to understand addiction, you must also learn to understand it's roots, and it is deeply rooted in dysfunction. When you don't learn how to deal with life in a healthy way, the confusion and chaos of it all can become very overwhelming. Most of us have felt that way at times, but most of us have brains that can respond to the pitfalls and disappointments of life in a logical way. In addiction, as well as many other psychological disturbances such as depression, this logical knowledge means nothing. Logic told me that it would be better to not take 30 shots in one night, yet I chose to do so anyways. And then I would beat myself up the next day for having done so, and then again for going to the liquor store to get another bottle to battle the shit feeling I was coping with.

When you are able to defy your own logic, and you understand that your perspective and choices are adding to the problem but you can't, for the life of you, make better choices - you are suffering from addiction. It's a label though, and since some people hide behind them, others start to accuse those who muster the courage to put it on themselves as making excuses. It could be that they are just coming to accept that they have a problem that is bigger than they can overcome by themselves, and now you tell them that they are weak, selfish, horrible people, and you expect that to make them want to get better??!?? Unbelievable. Judgement is what led to the problem, and adding to it only makes it worse. You also see this type of "blame the victim" mentality against those stuck in poverty, battling depression, and for so many other afflictions. Having been depressed at least a few times in my life, I can remember several people who chose to blame me for not having enough strength of mind and character to be grateful for the good in my life rather than acknowledging that something fundamentally deeper than a lack of gratitude was at play. "It's all in your mind!" they would say, and interestingly enough, they weren't lying. But just because it's all in your mind doesn't make it any easier to overcome. Honesty, compassion, understanding and listening intently and without a desire to solve the person's problems is what it takes to help people heal. I was lucky enough to have a couple of really good friends who were willing to do just that for and with me. They have absolutely no idea how thankful I am for the time and ears that they shared with me during those difficult periods of time.

It sucks that so few people out here actually give enough of a shit to want to help people by doing something as simple as not saying anything at all if they don't have anything nice to say. These same people expect people to be understanding and accepting of them, but refuse to give it in return? EFF THAT!!! That's what's wrong with this world. If you have a problem, it's my problem, but if I have a problem, then it's my problem and mine alone. That's fucked up, and it's no wonder civilization is going to shit in a hand basket.


For those of you who are struggling to overcome the difficulties in life, no matter what they may be, please know that each step we take, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem, is a spark of defiance in the face of hopelessness. Broken people need hope more than anything else, and the smallest of steps represents the very hope that is needed. Once we see that it is our very own steps that provide us with what it is that we need, we can finally start to heal, because we won't look for what we need in the wrong places anymore. Those small steps you are taking are what will keep the world spinning so that a bright new day can replace the long, dark night. No matter how hard it gets, keep going.

Sunset

Nothing's quite as effective as a sunset at bringing perspective back to how much beauty can exist in this world despite all of the madness. So much chaos and trouble in the world can make it seem like a very unsafe, unfriendly and ugly place at times. And while aspects of life can very much be that way, life can also be unforgivingly beautiful and amazing.

I lost a dear friend of mine recently, and as I stood by her side, holding her hand and all of the tubes coming out of it gently in mine, she took her last breath after a very difficult, year-long fight against a very aggressive form of cancer. I looked out of the window that was just beyond her bed in the ICU to watch the sun sink slowly behind the city. The buildings seemed to absorb, magnify and reflect the kaleidoscope of colors simultaneously while the clouds developed a thin layer of gold along the bottom of them. It was stunning!

The beauty of the sunset was the perfect juxtaposition to the sadness I felt at that moment. Through my tears, I could see the light beams making a trail for my friend to follow as her soul slipped away to join them on their journey to eternity. For a split second, the tears falling from my eyes caught the light in just the right way so as to make a rainbow. Maybe only my eyes saw it, but there was a rainbow that seemed to connect my friend to the sunset beyond.

Even in times of great despair, there is greater beauty still. We just have to keep our eyes and hearts open to experience it. Only in fear and hopelessness do we succumb to the darkness of this world and lose sight of the beauty that remains.

Keep sight of the beauty that still exists despite the chaos!! =)

"The Secret"

The first time I saw the movie "The Secret", I had arrived at my best friend's apartment in Astoria, NY around noon, still drunk from the night before. I had done the proverbial 'walk of shame' that morning, beginning with a two-block stumble to the closest subway from a friend's house in Brooklyn, which included passing four kids dressed up as ninjas on bicycles. I felt their glance through the mental haze of leftover drunkenness and looked across the street at them. Even though the glance only lasted a second, it pierced my awareness like poison darts. This exchange was followed by an abrupt knocking over of a string of trashcans before they all disappeared down a distant alley. I dismissed the visual exchange as a dare to stop them, and switched my mind back to trying to remember the hazy details of what happened the night before. Pieces were missing, and I was trying my hardest to fill them in.

I realized several of the people on the train seemed to be looking at me with a mixture of sympathy and disgust, which made me consider for the first time how disheveled I probably looked after a solid string of multiple days of heavy drinking and nonstop partying. This was the most sober I had been since the previous Tuesday, and it was a Saturday. Getting off the train was even worse: I had to endure walking down four vibrant and populated blocks in a trendy part of Manhattan to switch train lines. The looks I got that morning.. oh man, the looks are STILL burned into my memory! I've never seen such looks of disgust!! I was still pretty drunk, though, so I just said "fuck 'em" in the back of my head and moved as quickly and deliberately as my intoxicated body could carry me to the next station. My legs, and life, felt like melting Jello. It was awful!

When I got to my friend's house, he looked at me, shook his head as he giggled softly and asked how things had been. At first, I laughed as I recounted the bits and pieces of endless nonsense that had somehow congealed into an amorphous, incoherent series of days, but by the end of the story, I was in tears. They came out of nowhere, but luckily, he was able to recognize that those tears were the only way I knew how to ask for help.

He knew me long before I turned into a raging alcoholic, and had correctly identified my seemingly perpetual state of irresponsibility and never-ending intoxication as an inability to cope with life. I was beating myself up all day, every day, for having failed at a shitty marriage, failed at achieving my dream of becoming a doctor, failed at everything (which is what it felt like back then). I was angry at myself (as well as the world) for being in the place I was at, yet was doing absolutely nothing to change it. If anything, I was digging a deeper and deeper hole to have to climb out of by living as recklessly as I was.



Being the awesome person he is, he gently nudged me to become more self-aware. He knew that until I changed my perspective, I would be stuck in victim mode. It's virtually impossible to grow in victim mode, as you pretty much shit on everything great in your life and take for granted all of your blessings while keeping busy counting your problems. His wife had recently borrowed the movie from a friend, and he said it may help me to think differently about life in general. In all fairness, he did warn me that it was kind of corny, but said the message was a good one that may be able to help me get out of the funk I was in. That was in 2007.

It was corny, but since I was indeed drowning at that point in my life, the message successfully acted as a life preserver of sorts. It planted seeds of awareness that I was going to have to heal myself in order to get out of the rough waters of my life and back onto dry land. But it left me floating  in shark-infested waters. I had to figure out how to get back to the shore, and although a positive attitude made the cold water and sharks looming in the distance easier to tolerate, it didn't provide me with the energy or direction that I needed to get myself back onto dry land. That energy came from somewhere deeper within, one that is independent of how we think. It came from the part of us that is the difference between acting on an idea and being content just thinking it; the energy that makes us "do" and allows us to turn a dream into our reality.

It was one hell of a swim!! It took YEARS of learning to be honest with myself, learning to trust myself again (which, for me, meant I had to entirely eliminate alcohol from my life, as I could no longer trust myself once I started drinking), learning the lessons of forgiveness and patience, and giving myself the time and space I needed to properly heal before I managed to gain enough strength and courage to swim to the shore from that little life preserver given to me by the so-called secret; yet, I made it a choice to do it and stuck with it, day after day, year after year until one day I realized I was out of the water and back on dry land. That feeling was the deepest happiness I have ever felt! And now, I make it a choice to carry it with me always.

I watched 'The Secret' again last year with a friend who happened to turn his life around at roughly the same time I did mine, and we laughed at most of it. We appreciated a few good points that were made, yet could recognize how unhealthy the outcomes of such thinking could be if rooted in selfishness or ego-centrism. We compared it to a life preserver that would keep you trapped in shark-infested waters, rather than a solution to getting out of the water altogether.

I'm thankful that the movie was able to plant a seed of change in my life back when I needed change most, but it offers no real solution to achieving genuine, lasting, long-term growth or happiness. The real solution exists within a consciousness that the secret seems to ignore. Only after much pain and resistance was I able to gain enough consciousness to come to peace with the past, release my fear of the future, and accept and appreciate each and every moment that I am alive. Now I love the thought of being able to unlock the endless potential that is locked away in time yet unfolded, rather than fear what the future holds. I'm more in love with the endless possibilities of AWESOME that this world has to offer than I ever thought was possible! Yet, that perspective is balanced by the reality that there are some not-so-awesome pitfalls to watch out for.

The best part?  I managed to get here with only a few good books, a couple of awesome blogs (like this one ), some Jiddu Krishnamurti videos, lots of Bruce Lee, Rumi and Hafiz quotes, and a few good friends and family members who have loved me unapologetically and unconditionally along the way. Oh yeah.. and an unwavering, unfiltered, raw commitment to changing myself for the best.

It takes much time for a single seed to grow into a fruit-bearing tree, but given the right conditions, it will one day bear enough fruit to nourish and sweeten the lives of many. :)

One love! 

"The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education." - Albert Einstein

"Life itself is your teacher, and you are in a state of constant learning." - Bruce Lee

Quotes Worth Reading

A collection of interesting quotes..

Think about this: when you follow others, you move along at a path not determined by yourself. But when you move along your own path, you don't have the protection of a herd being watched by shepherds.. Instead, you must now watch out for those who prey on others, being very careful not to get infected with a predator's innate inability to trust others. Living only to prey on others is a death sentence to intimacy and true love.
 

This one is self-explanatory. Another great way of saying this is Garbage In, Garbage Out. If you fill your head up with garbage, then that's what you'll extract from your thoughts. Plant the seeds of thought carefully, and make sure you know what exactly it is that you are planting.. :)
















If you are looking for someone else to make you whole, then you are looking in the wrong place. If you feel incomplete, then I have bad news for you: nobody else in this world can love you enough for you. But here's the good news: once you learn to love yourself fully and completely, you will find a love that complements your own, and it will bring you as much happiness and satisfaction as you are willing to put into it. It all boils down to this: if you want to make your love pure, then you have to make pure love your only choice.

I may not have a PhD (yet), but the absence of those three letters is in no way an indication that I lack any sort of depth of understanding. The reality is that the more you know, the more you realize that there is simply far too much for any one person to know. Existence is on a scale that is unfathomable to humans, yet there are some who have lost themselves completely to their ego and falsely believe that they have life figured out. I'm here to tell you that nobody does. We are all winging it, and the best part is that it's not about being right or wrong in the end; it's about having a life worth living and remembering. And you don't need an education to do that..


I've heard that expectations breed resentments. I'd like to elaborate to that statement and say that unspoken expectations breed resentments. How do they breed resentments, you might ask? Easy. Let's say you expect someone who loves you to show it in a way that you can see. So when they don't show it in a way that you can see, you start to get resentful and act in a less than loving way to that person. What manifests from these unspoken expectations? Both people end up feeling crappy, when in reality, no one had to feel that way.

What you see is not always what you get... Sometimes it's a product of your perspective. That's why it's important to step back and get a bird's eye view..

I absolutely love Bruce Lee's philosophy, and have drawn much inspiration from the words he left behind. Such a powerfully positive man who had a profound perspective on life. Only when we gain self-awareness can we break out of the cycle of defeat that judgement creates. Rise above the doubt and judgement of the world; only then can you see forever.

This is true, although I would like to add that if you think about a thing too much, it will never get done. So it's a balance between what you think and what you actually do. There is a fine balance that is different for each of us. It's up to each and every one of us to figure out our balance and walk in it.

Boredom and procrastination are my two biggest enemies!! Wise words to remember.. :)

Reflections on Thanksgiving 2013

**I wrote this on Thanksgiving day last year, and am amazed by how profound that day was for me. With no family close by to celebrate with, and my children spending the holiday with their father, I chose to spend my Thanksgiving with a dear friend of mine that I am very thankful for, whose friendship has been a light to me in the darkest of hours over the course of 20+ years. Enjoy!**

While sitting in a prison waiting room earlier this morning, waiting to visit an old friend from high school who is currently living there, I overheard the woman beside me comment that she needed to hurry up and get out of here so she could eat dinner and be at work by 5 PM this evening. She saw me shaking my head, and added "I hope those crazy people don't get to acting a fool like I know they will!! That's just too much nonsense for me to deal with on a day that's supposed to be a guaranteed day at home with all the good food to eat that I want."

Several of us had arrived early - before the 9 AM start of visitation hours - and although it was now almost 10 AM, none of us had been processed and brought to the visiting area. As we waited for what turned out to be an emergency inmate count after inmate clothes were found abandoned outside of the prison gates earlier that morning, many of us found our eyes wandering towards the lone TV they had in the waiting room, which was far too small for the high place on the wall that they had the tiny thing mounted.

Despite the volume being muted and the words on the screen being nearly indecipherable due to their microscopic size, we clearly understood what the "news story" was about: we saw images of tents lined up outside of several major conglomerate stores across the country. Not just a few tents, but long lines of them at each of the locations they were covering. Some had families in them, some groups of friends, but all were there and willing to sacrifice their holiday in order to cash in on such awe-inspiring Black Friday deals as a free $50 gift card - which, of course, they can only get if they buy some big-ticket item like a 50" plasma HDTV - or some other "IF you purchase x, THEN you get y FREE!!!" type of deal. Disturbingly, some had been there since yesterday, braving cold and idiocy all night in order to be the first or second in line..

There were several 3 to 4 minute segments being shown in a fairly compact rotation - I was only in the waiting room for a little over an hour before processing resumed, but had already seen the lined-up tent segment for each of the cities they were covering at least a few times. Besides an endless flood of commercials, which eerily were almost the same ones every time too, the only thing that had changed from the first rotation to the call of my name was a clip of the upcoming Macy's Day parade. Then it hit me: Macy's Day Parade. This isn't about Thanksgiving!! You and I have it all wrong, my friend!! It's about Macy's Day apparently, and these people are the champions of it, lined up in tents to show their dedication and loyalty to what this day is really about..

While those people are doing what makes them happy, I will be thankful to be doing just the opposite.. I will spend time with a person I value as much as they value "things", then will go home, curl up next to a warm fire with a good book, listen to some old Sage Francis albums with nowhere to go, not a care in the world, and all of the time I need to just be.  Then I'll write my friend a letter and thank him for the company and good conversation at our visit, and let him know that he is loved; gone but never forgotten. That, my friends, is what Thanksgiving is about.

So, as I sit here and reflect on what makes me thankful, such things come to mind as being blessed with enough good sense to stay out of tents in shopping centers, a warm home I share with three amazing young individuals, family and friends on the other end of all the phone calls and texts I've received today, having a dear friend who spent 16 years finding himself in the most unlikely of places and whose courage and strength inspires me to continue to build upon my own, learning and living through the ups and downs of life that have made me who I am today by giving me the opportunity to improve myself and learning to make love, hope and perseverance my choice, as well as all of the other blessings that comprise my life.  To be alive is a gift that most people never fully appreciate. One love!

If you are reading this, then know I am thankful for you too!! I love you guys! Hope everyone has had a great day!

Wake Up World

So tired of the political BS..

Energy Vampires

Below is a link to an awesome article that individuals undergoing some sort of spiritual growth and awakening would likely be able to relate to.

http://www.the-open-mind.com/21-traits-of-an-awakening-soul/
 
One quote in particular caught my attention:

 "If we don’t learn how to set proper boundaries, we can get tired easily from taking on other people’s emotions. Energy Vampires are drawn to us like flies to paper, so we need to be extra vigilant in protecting ourselves at times."

I feel this 100%! I felt I was surrounded by energy vampires wanting attention from me that they would be happy to get from any person willing to give it to them when I frequented the bar scene years ago. The internal discord within these individuals had them throwing themselves all over the place, without regard to who they may be hurting or making uncomfortable with their haphazard scattering of fake sunshine.

Guys would get a bunch of girls' numbers over the course of a night and eventually text/facebook/call them all and tell them basically the same thing (you're so beautiful, I think you're so awesome, blah blah blah, etc), and then the girls would do the exact same thing right back - a genuine reflection of eachother's fakeness!! None of them really meant the kind things they said; but then again, none of them really bothered to take the time to really get to know who this "awesome" and "beautiful" person was. Their whole definition of beauty and goodness was based on shallow, insignificant trivialities.

At the end of the day, both were disgusted with the other, knowing deep in their heart that they were being lied to, and their true bond came in the form of shared self-hate. It's kind of sick when you think about it: no love, just two scared suckers looking to masturbate on eachother.
 
Wake up world and LIVE!!! Put the "v" back in the lie and Value what this life has given, is giving and will give if you let it!!

Reflection on Alcoholism

I need to reflect on where I am as compared to where I was..

I wrote this after seeing a video that made me sad that so many of those who risk their lives for our country and the freedom it is supposed to represent end up in a similar place. We don't care. Some of us do, but most people only care once it directly affects them. You don't have to go overseas to suffer from PTSD or to develop alcoholism, but when you add the horrors of living through a war to all of the other life-altering circumstances that people endure, you end up with some really broken people who are hurting on a level that most people can't comprehend. We, as a people, need to change this.

Humanity is one - if one falls, we all fall. If humanity is metaphorically one being, and the world becomes our image of hell, essentially we’re all walking in the flames of that hell that we have collectively created in our minds and then display through society's collective conscious thought (or lack thereof).

I woke up this morning thinking about a dear friend of mine who has been struggling to cope with his experiences while overseas at war. I thought about calling him, but with a 3 hour time difference, it would've been very inconsiderate of me to reach out to him at 4 AM PST. Instead, I pushed the thoughts to the back of my mind for the moment.

That is, until I stumbled upon this video, which made them flood back with such force that my eyes became temporary waterfalls. It isn't that the video itself is emotionally moving; rather, it is the thought of this man having been able to reach such a low point before a group of complete strangers intervened and restored his dignity for a single moment in time.

Alcoholism damn near destroyed my dignity (and life), and it has been a very difficult battle to restore and repair that damage - a battle that I have faced virtually alone. I thank the lucky stars above that I have the few true friends (and awesome family) that I have, because those people literally saved my life. If it wasn't for their love and faith in me when I had none to give myself, I don't think I'd still be here to type this.

I can see how this man's life probably unfolded now.. As is the story with countless other lives, at some point there were people drinking alongside him - friends, coworkers, maybe even family members. The alcohol numbed the pain, and the smiles reflected through the smoke by mirror images of himself seemed to soothe his soul. It didn't matter that the smiles and good times weren't real; all that mattered was that he didn't have to feel the level of hell he felt when he was alone with his thoughts.

Slowly, these people fell to the wayside, one by one, as he ventured further down a path they were hesitant to follow him down. New faces replaced the old ones - new faces that were willing to look the other way more frequently and encourage the very habits that were destroying him. They understood him, so he thought, and he felt comfort in that. One by one, even these people couldn't deny how out of control he was, and their faces were again replaced by new ones.

Now the faces began going back and forth between rough, weathered and hardened faces and those of authority figures. Between jail and homelessness was an unending desire to escape his inner pain. Each day became a drive to obtain the poison that could kill his pain. As the darkness engulfed him and anesthetized his feelings until they were virtually obliterated, he fell deeper and deeper into a hole within himself and got lost somewhere in the lonely, haunted part of his mind's dark forest. It was at this point that if no one reached out to him or pulled him back towards the light, he would sink to levels that most people couldn't comprehend that a sane, rational person could ever reach: homelessness, dumpster diving, etc. But it can happen to anyone.. That, my friends, is alcoholism.

I was in the dark, haunted part of my mind's forest when four friends (along with family from across the country) rallied around me and got me back to the light. It's not to say that others haven't helped along the way at different intersections in time, but those four were consistently there through the worst of it.

Dan - thank you for saving me. Literally and figuratively. I know we don't speak anymore, but I would've died on those tracks if it hadn't been for you. Alison - thank you for being my voice of reason when mine had left me entirely. Your perseverance and dedication to growing and becoming a better person ignited and inspired the drive in me that keeps moving me towards brighter days. Your friendship, understanding and patience have been monumental to my healing process. D - thank you for all of the great conversations, a warm floor to sleep on when I'm in town visiting, unconditional love and teaching me that attitude determines altitude. You have one of the best attitudes I have ever seen towards life, (despite life) and I hope you continue to rise as you have! You've made such tremendous progress, and I am more proud of you than you could ever imagine!! Finally, B - thank you for being my shadow in the shadows, and for pulling me out of the gutter when I was left there for dead. We were both cast aside like old garbage, but we cleaned ourselves up and became brand new!! Thank you for never judging me, and for teaching me that true love starts within me..

I hope those who are lost, or are having difficulty coping with the hurtful, bad things they have experienced in life, are able to heal, grow stronger and find their way back to solid ground before digging themselves deeper into their own personal hell. My friends, please know that no matter how bad things get, you are not alone and things will get better! These struggles in life are what make us (or break us), and each outcome is the result of a single choice..

=)

An open letter to those burdened by the weight of the world..

Dignity is what sustains us when all else has been lost. Self-respect and a sense of self-worth, the innermost armament of the soul, lies at the heart of humanness; to be deprived of it is to be dehumanized, to be cast below mankind.

Men suffering from a lack of dignity experience profound loneliness and find that hope is almost impossible to retain. Without dignity, identity is erased. In its absence, men are defined not by themselves, but by the circumstances in which they are forced to live. The stubborn retention of dignity, even in the face of extreme hardship, can hold a man's soul in his body long past the point at which the body should have surrendered it. The loss of it can carry a man off as surely as thirst, hunger, exposure and asphyxiation, and with greater cruelty. It is as lethal as a well-aimed bullet.

Define yourself, not by the habits which are slowly erasing what dignity you have left or the circumstances which lend to the numbness in your soul, but by the things which return to you a sense of self-worth and self-respect. Step outside of yourself and honestly see who and what you've become. All that numbness and cold in your soul - that is the absence of dignity. You'll never heal until you understand this..

Note: The majority of this blurb was taken indirectly from Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand, which is an exceptional book that will inspire and uplift the heaviest of spirits!!

Change of Pace

Feeling overwhelmed can cloud the mind from seeing life's bigger picture. It is easy to feel overwhelmed when you are crammed in a city with a million other people. You are constantly interacting with a wide spectrum of individuals for a variety of reasons, and not all of these interactions are pleasant.

So where do you go when you want to get away from it all for a while and clear your mind? This is where I go to recharge and revive myself when that happens. I can get away from the hustle and bustle of city life and be "alone". Here, I can clear and focus my mind, since the honks, angry exchanges and other sounds the city makes as it rushes through it's daily routine are drowned out by the perpetual gushing of water flowing past hurriedly on an endless journey downstream. Amazingly enough, it is only about 10 minutes away from the dizzying madness of the city.


After walking through the woods and absorbing the scent of the honeysuckle-laden air, I get to the river's edge and take a deep breath as I look around. I can see the perfection in the imperfections around me: like in the way the birds and bugs coexist in the corpse of a tree that still stands, providing food and shelter for them even in death; or the way the river is calm today but the exact opposite when it is flooded and destroying everything in it's path; or how the annoying gnats flying around my head like a bunch of winged electrons in orbit provide food for many others, who in turn provide food for yet others. Despite how annoying they are to me, they are a vital source of sustenance to others. In the end, the cycle of life is neither good nor bad, positive nor negative; rather, it simply is what it is.

I think about the magnitude of that statement as I look at a slow part of the river where the water has created several small pools alongside a slow and wide bend. I can see my reflection in one of them, and observe the cautious face looking back at me with what remains of a smile after years of struggle, heartache and disappointment. But behind the weathered eyes of a life that has been lived beyond reason is a bright twinkle. That twinkle represents a spark of hope that is still alive deep within me despite this seemingly hopeless situation. I'm lucky to have that, because without hope, I'd have nothing.

One of these days, I will walk to this favorite spot of mine along the river James and will find that my smile has come back to life, having broken free from the stone-cold grip that reality has had on me for too long now. I'll fight for that day, one step, project and lesson at a time, with all of my strength and hope. After all, we must be the change we want to see in life, and to be completely honest, I absolutely can't live another day like this..

Hold on.. It's going to be alright in the end =)

Sometimes I get hung up on how lonely and stuck between a rock and a hard place I feel, and I end up wasting precious time and energy fighting an uphill battle with the recurring depression that I have not been able to shake since childhood.


Don't get me wrong: we all have the power to overcome even the most difficult of circumstances.



"But that's easier said than done!!" you say..
 
You are absolutely right. It is. It takes holding on in the face of adversity to achieve that, which is anything but easy to do when adversity is in your face, relentlessly staring you down.

I mean, you can tell a person hanging on to the edge of the cliff to "Just keep hanging on! Hopefully someone that can help you will arrive in time!!", but that encouragement doesn't make the reality of doing so any easier for them. Yet, the consequences of letting go are so severe that letting go is not an option for the cliff dangler. Adrenaline kicks in to fuel the hard work needed to oppose gravity from that height, which keeps those fingers griping the edge of the ground with the strength of their life.

It's easy to hold on when your life is at stake, but what about when your life is at stake in a way that isn't as readily apparent as hanging from the side of a cliff? What about when the cliff is in your mind?


A friend of mine struggled with addiction for years, and although he seemed to have been winning the battle, he ended up losing it permanently almost a year ago. He should have held on and kept working at pulling himself up onto solid ground, but for whatever reason, he didn't.


A bunch of unexpected, adverse and overwhelming life circumstances happened in a very short time frame (the trigger), which likely led to his decision to move in with "friends" whose lives were still intertwined with the lifestyle he was trying to leave behind. Now to be fair, these "friends" didn't force him to relapse, but they also didn't help him abstain either. With the first drink they offered him, he began letting go, one finger at a time, until the last finger keeping him attached to the edge of his mind's cliff lost its grip for good.

His friends found him early one Sunday morning in late May of last year, frozen in his lifeless state with a look on his face that makes me cry to think he couldn't even find peace in death. He died of a heroin overdose, and though he had been clean for 5 years before moving in with his "friends", he did not understand the importance of people, places and things in our lives. The people that we choose to surround ourselves with, the places that we go in our free time and the things that we do with our time all have the ability to either help lift us up or pull us down. I'm sorry you had to learn such a permanent lesson. Rip Danny. :(

I may not be struggling with heroin addiction, but I can empathize deeply with the demons my friend was battling within himself. It is not easy to overcome something as powerful as addiction, and it is even more difficult when you can't escape from the darkness that plagues your own mind long after the drugs have left your system. I don't want to end up like him. I don't want to cheat myself out of a future, and the reality is, you can waste it just as easily without ever doing drugs. I can sit here in a hole within myself and let my inner light escape from my soul one ray at a time, but if I do that, then this journey will have been in vain. Just like his was.  

This world seems to be falling apart, just like the lives of so many I know, but we must never forget that it is part of a larger cycle, within an infinitely bigger picture. This, too, shall pass, and when it does, new growth will follow.

Things get broken down in order to build up new things. We see it in muscle formation as much as we do in forest fires. We even see it in people. Not everyone who walks the path of addiction succumbs to it; some of us are able to find the strength within ourselves to get the help that we need in order to overcome our demons and grow stronger as a result of it all. Yet, not everyone can, and not everyone wants to, overcome their disease of addiction. Some people seem to find happiness rotting in the self-inflicted decay of their own ruins. Or maybe they are in too much pain to realize what it is that they are doing to themselves  

One thing that I know for certain is that we are not defined by our past sins, but rather, by our commitment to change. We aren't the people we once were when we decide to be someone else and live that decision; it all boils down to a choice. 


Ask yourself: What do I choose for myself? Pain and darkness? Or light and healing? Because at the end of the day, only you can make that happen for yourself. No one can fix you but you. So what will it be?

One love